Quitting smoking was probably one of the hardest things I've done in my life...and I've had two kids! The reason it was hard was not physical or chemical, it was personal. I think I was holding onto it for the sake of self-inflicting punishment, some sort of stubborn grip to a guilty conscious that I've never been completely rid of. I was not able to get past the idea that it was for my health and my freedom from addiction...I had no problem quitting when I was pregnant and nursing because I wasn't doing it for me, I was doing it for my child. It finally came to a head when I gave up trying and asked God to give me a little help. One thing I've learned in my spiritual journey is that no matter how hard I try to convince myself, I am not nor will I ever be Wonder Woman....I can't do it all on my own and I am not weaker for acknowledging that (I should note that although I recognize this to be true, I seldom behave like it is!). So I asked for help, and oddly enough (because I can't explain it any other way), I stopped smoking. What followed for days, weeks, months has been multiple daily interactions with God....some of them full of profanity and frustration, and some full of pure joy. It's been like an ongoing fast where during those times that I feel the need to smoke, I replace satisfying the craving with real time with Jesus. I was telling a friend that it used to be that my life consisted of what happened between cigarettes and here I am with all that extra time! It has opened a lot of doors and helped me to start thinking clearly about a lot of things...all this plus my life insurance costs went down and I take the stairs all the time!

http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php?month=10&day=12&year=07"

sorry, thought I had this in there...

My son Troy is a bit of a monster- but a big, cuddly, more humorous than dangerous monster. Still, his mere presence causes destruction and near tragedies on a daily basis (kinda like the kid on "Honey, I Blew Up the Kid"). He has a very sweet nature and he is quite intelligent and one day I hope that his spirit and drive are channeled into something constructive, but for now he's just Troy- my sweet, crazy, irrational, passionate Troy.
When we are in parking lots or walking up the street, he will look at me with his evil eye and start running just to get my attention. He has run into telephone poles and other cars, but thankfully no oncoming traffic...anyway, today we were leaving a store and I told him he had to hold my hand because he couldn't be trusted in a busy parking lot. He looked at me and said, "Mama just let go, I'll walk next to you." So I did. And he did. It was the first time in a long time that we were walking in stride and I wasn't holding him up with one arm while he was dead weight and wanting to spin around in circles or go back for that package of batteries that he wanted so desperately.
So, like most times when something seemingly insignificant happens, I got thinking about God.
I've posted a link to the My Utmost post from a couple weeks ago because it relates to this...
This past year has been a series of walks through the parking lot for God and me. I've been defiant and wreckless, but most of the time I've just been dead weight, refusing to walk with and accept what God was offering. I've always had this issue of accepting God's grace. I have mostly felt as though I don't deserve it, allowing my own conclusions about myself to override God's. I feel as though it's my place to be the out-of-control toddler...I have too much growing to do...I need to "work my way up" towards salvation. I'm a jackass. That's not what God wants...he wants me to walk with him and that's all- the rest will come. That's when salvation takes on a whole new meaning. It's no longer about formal belief, our eternal destination, or the confines of religion...it's about experiencing God's grace on every level, walking with him.
Recently, this seems to be happening. I keep having these moments where I find myself saying to God, "It's just you and me...you and me.." What an amazing feeling to be walking with God. If I screw up, he's right there...I can't go hide in my own misery because he's right there. If I become disappointed, he's there, "you and me." Suddenly the trivial things in life remain trivial and I can find divine comfort from a chaotic walk through a parking lot.

I thought I would start with a picture of my boys ;)
I set up this blog so I could sign up to play music on Sundays...in 2006...guess I'll take a crack at doing something with it. Here goes...
I never liked the idea of blogging because I don't think anyone really wants to hear anything I have to say. That's okay. Maybe this is just for the sake of unloading some of the muck in my brain and making room for new muck.
My two sons, Gavin and Troy (5 and 3), and I have been living with my mom since my separation from my ex-husband well over a year ago. We just moved about a month ago and now that I'm getting settled in I'm finally doing some reflecting on this past year and everything that has gone on. I don't want to unload too much just yet...this is my way of slowly easing into this world of expressing myself.
I have resisted this because I don't like talking about myself. I didn't want to give the false impression that I thought I mattered enough to have anybody waste their time reading what I have to say...
Then one day God smacked me in the back of the head and told me to get over myself. This is his story, not mine.