My son Troy is a bit of a monster- but a big, cuddly, more humorous than dangerous monster. Still, his mere presence causes destruction and near tragedies on a daily basis (kinda like the kid on "Honey, I Blew Up the Kid"). He has a very sweet nature and he is quite intelligent and one day I hope that his spirit and drive are channeled into something constructive, but for now he's just Troy- my sweet, crazy, irrational, passionate Troy.
When we are in parking lots or walking up the street, he will look at me with his evil eye and start running just to get my attention. He has run into telephone poles and other cars, but thankfully no oncoming traffic...anyway, today we were leaving a store and I told him he had to hold my hand because he couldn't be trusted in a busy parking lot. He looked at me and said, "Mama just let go, I'll walk next to you." So I did. And he did. It was the first time in a long time that we were walking in stride and I wasn't holding him up with one arm while he was dead weight and wanting to spin around in circles or go back for that package of batteries that he wanted so desperately.
So, like most times when something seemingly insignificant happens, I got thinking about God.
I've posted a link to the My Utmost post from a couple weeks ago because it relates to this...
This past year has been a series of walks through the parking lot for God and me. I've been defiant and wreckless, but most of the time I've just been dead weight, refusing to walk with and accept what God was offering. I've always had this issue of accepting God's grace. I have mostly felt as though I don't deserve it, allowing my own conclusions about myself to override God's. I feel as though it's my place to be the out-of-control toddler...I have too much growing to do...I need to "work my way up" towards salvation. I'm a jackass. That's not what God wants...he wants me to walk with him and that's all- the rest will come. That's when salvation takes on a whole new meaning. It's no longer about formal belief, our eternal destination, or the confines of religion...it's about experiencing God's grace on every level, walking with him.
Recently, this seems to be happening. I keep having these moments where I find myself saying to God, "It's just you and me...you and me.." What an amazing feeling to be walking with God. If I screw up, he's right there...I can't go hide in my own misery because he's right there. If I become disappointed, he's there, "you and me." Suddenly the trivial things in life remain trivial and I can find divine comfort from a chaotic walk through a parking lot.