Yesterday was a pretty bad day. I was feeling disappointed with myself, disappointed with people close to me, disappointed with God. The disappointment came when I became consumed with my own ideas of what these relationships should be in growth and bearing fruit. My love for people turned into an overwhelming burden of responsibility for people. I felt very alone and God wasn't much help...well, wasn't much help because I didn't want him to be. I wallowed in this self-pity for a large portion of the day, giving into my weakness to allow my self-judgment to take control of my thoughts and behaviors.
A few weeks ago I asked a trusted source if "bitch slapping" is an appropriate method of pastoral care, and they assured me it is. I'm further convinced that it is because God does it. On my way to pick up the kids after work, J.S. Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No. 3 came on the radio. I loved this when I was young and I haven't heard it in years. I used to spend hours in my room conducting its performance by the "Vienna Philharmonic." I felt like I was 11 again, except that I didn't have to stretch too far to feel that way.
I have a friend who has repeatedly needed to remind me not to take myself too seriously...finding myself conducting an imaginary orchestra in my car, and having that feel like a perfectly normal thing to do because I did it when I was 11, reminded me yet again not to take myself too seriously. No matter the life calling, disappointing relationships, responsibilities, I'm still just a girl with high hopes and little confidence who God needs to bitch-slap every once in a while...and though the disappointment I was feeling was real, I needed that reminder so that I could let go of some of the burden and let God work with the disappointment.